Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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