I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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