I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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