No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
