Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
In other news, I just burned my penis
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
