finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
