I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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