I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
