i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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