you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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