Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I think your dad took our porno
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
