My sheets look like a crime scene.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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