I accidentally had phone sex last night
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
