Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
