i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
