My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
