I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
now i know why i became what i already was.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
