My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
