adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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