I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
