I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
