I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
