You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
