I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
