Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
