Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Someone signed my nipple.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
