does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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