If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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