Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
