I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
