Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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