So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
