Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
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