I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
