she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
