Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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