my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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