I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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