i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
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