I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
