Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
