Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
