Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
