I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Randomize
