Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
