Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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