I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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