you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
please come you make the beer taste better
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Houston, we have a squirter
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
