I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
