just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
