I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
