I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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