my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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