I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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