considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
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You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
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But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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