i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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