also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
