Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
