Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
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when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
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I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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