Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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